Dear Felicity,

It’s getting weird for me here. I’m supposed to honor my superiors however they may be, but during email marketing meetings with my new manager, Mr. Poh, I sometimes say negative things about Ms. Usha’s approval system. What’s wrong with me? I admit I’m frustrated but I really shouldn’t be that negative. Lord, help me to honor, honor, honor whoever.

On that note, I also pissed off one of my colleagues for messing up her budget planning for 09. I understand it’s a tantamount sin and I’m trying to make up for it and really show her love and try to make restitution but I’m being rebuffed. It makes working kinda uncomfortable for me as I’m used to a largely supportive environment. Well, that’s life. Back to the grind…

Teach me to love those who hate me, not so I can  be appreciated and supported but to show them God cares. Teach me to honor them in spite of everything. Help me be a blessing and an encouragement in this corporate environment. HELP ME, LORD!!!

I’ve been asked to produce a simple document where certain rows are dual-column while others are single-column as they are headers. Easy, non?

Wrong!!!

I have been wrestling for a complete hour in trying various alternatives to getting it right on Microsoft office and it STILL doesn’t work. God, I miss using Photoshop! (And that’s a prayer, people!)

To quote:

“Photoshop is that young vibrant design exec that can do yoga while feeding your baby and tutoring your kid in algebra. Microsoft Office programs are middle-aged executives with back problems.”

Dear Felicity,

I am frustrated. I have two different forms to fill for overtime and meal claims, BOTH with OTHER forms to fill apparently BEFOREHAND to request for permission for such claims in the FIRST place.

I suppose being a non-profit organization, the head of departments are tightly managing a budget so it’s justifiable but even then the amount of trouble one has to go through simply because one has been asked to do overtime really makes it difficult to work such things out, ESPECIALLY if another head comes and pesters the marketing department for help at the LAST MINUTE!! There should be an easier way to deal with this. If not, for every overtime locally, it’s two forms. For every overtime out of this island, it’s four. What about training? What about all the other stuff? INSANITY~~~~~~~~~~

…things get left behind. The previous two posts show my current growing up. But deep down inside, I feel a bit like Wayne Kirkpatrick when he wrote this song for Susan Ashton:

Innocence Lost

Gone away, the days of wish and wondering
Far away, like a vision in my mind
The child has grown and left me here alone
Looking back to what was left behind.

Lullabyes and pennies in a wishing well
Sad goodbyes to friends of make believe
A love so pure, a treasure
Now buried in the sea of me.

Milton lost his paradise, Dorothy lost her way
Vincent lost his sanity, Thomas lost his faith
Hoover lost the second time, Sigmund lost his friend
Me, I lost my innocence and I want it back again.

A tug-of-war is going on inside of me
A calloused heart that wants to make a change
While time prevails fighting tooth and nail
Keeping me set in my ways

Marco found the orient, Gepetto found his boy
Lincoln found a unity that Lee could not destroy
Lindy found the other side, Gershwin found the stage
Me, I found a stubborness that seems to grow with age

As I dream of where I’ll go, may I learn from where I’ve gone
And take the memories that I hold into tomorrow

Milton lost his paradise, Dorothy lost her way
Vincent lost his sanity, Thomas lost his faith
Hoover lost the second time, Sigmund lost his friend
Me, I lost my innocence and I want it back again.
I had it once before and I want it back again…

I don’t know how and I don’t know any possible way to overcome it but it’s a problem for Someone bigger than me to solve.

I cannot sit back and see a constricting atmosphere of politicking and backbiting and grilling continue. I want a team! I will pray for a team! I will fight for the team spirit! I hope to have a world where everyone can get along with one another in true comradeship. I dream of a place where people can make mistakes, pioneer ideas and still feel secure as long as they uphold the company, where honour and service is the motto of every employer and effeciency is still a priority but is secondary to the needs of the human spirit.

I will do battle!!!

Dear Felicity,

This is gonna be a vent fest so be prepared. I’m learning that getting along with colleagues sometimes take a bit of work. I’ve trod on people’s toes unintentionally over the past few weeks, primarily to lack of knowledge or tact or even an understanding of corporate culture but I just can’t seem to get along well with a few.

I got on very well with one until I, apparently, commented on her work without her knowledge under directions from the boss, leading to some serious shouting at. This escalated when there was an error in the our shared database and the computer showed her ID. I pointed out a bug in the system in her defense. However, when I tried to privately apologize for perhaps indirectly causing the problem due to that boo-boo, I got a lecture for implying her incompetence. *sigh*

Another person maintains her distance as ice queen, only reaching me when I make a mistake or when something needs to be done. I don’t mind helping her but I do wish she’d be nicer about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m the only guy and a junior officer. Maybe it’s because I’m still understanding corporate culture. Maybe it’s because this culture is built on fear of people getting their asses in trouble and because of that, everyone’s afraid to really mix around and are afraid of backstabbing. Maybe it’s because I constantly update my boss about what’s going on on my end and it gets misinterpreted as me trying to get cozy with the boss.  Maybe it’s just because I need to learn to defend myself, albeit in a tactful and pleasant way so I’m still not antagonistic. I DON’T KNOW!!! But it would be nice to know just how to treat my colleagues so I can really be of help to them rather than have to trod on eggshells on the time.

*ssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Oh well, back to work.

Dear Felicity,

Just got off from two days of relaxation after about a month of weekend overtime. SO thankful that’s over. The peak was at the Kulim Career/Postgraduate Expo last Sunday.

The work entailed going with a superior on Friday to get things set up. That was pleasant.

Sunday however wasn’t really. Due to tardiness and a bad attitude, superior and underling couldn’t get along and weren’t very conversational that day. It’s an excursion for Pete’s sake. On a largely voluntary basis. Can’t we make it enjoyable rather than let one mistake lead to tension and resentment and ruin any future chances for co-operation for future roadshows? Still, that’s the way things went. Tried to get the conversation ball rolling but no one was really interested. I hate stifling atmospheres.

Anyway, after that, I was really happy to be able to relax the next few days. Spent some time hanging out with Dad and Mom and got to actually talk with Dad on a lot of things. That was cool.

Tuesday’s gym session wasn’t, though. I found out after a fat analysis at Fitness First (free thanks to a lawyer friend Raymond) that I need to lose 25kg and I’m 14.3% overweight in fat content. When asked which part of the body, without a blink of an eye, the consultant replied: “Every part.” I’m OBESE!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!! (Quit laughing, readers. I know you’re laughing! Quit laughing!!!)

Oh well, time to get some exercise then….

Dear Felicity,

It’s been a tiring week helping Wawasan’s Regional Office with registration on the weekends, especially since they usually come back-to-back. Yesterday, I registered 4 1/2 students (one of the students halfway had to be followed up by someone else) and the clincher will be this Sunday 10-6 in Kulim (roughly translated to 8 - probably 8). Thank GOD I’m taking the next Monday and Tuesday off.

Meanwhile, the Arrows are growing. For those of you who read the MUCH earlier posts, you would know that the Youth I mentor went through a severely rough patch. It’s kinda funny now ’cause the troublesome ones all left, with a few left behind who are changing. I wish I could do more for the others personally but the mentors I spoke to were right: let them go to grow.

So with that in mind, now I’ve got the five boys I actively mentor and now a few girls are joining in and one of them (Yee Vonne) is a real dynamo. She took 6 months off home-schooling to join Youth With A Mission and her experiences there have geared her up to be a real force to be reckoned with. She’s serious about God and she’s fun to be with at the same time so she pulls all the other girls (and maybe, in future, one or two guys) along with her back to Youth. Also, another young guy, Amos, is trying to grow so fast, it’s amazing. These two are even actively by themselves being a big brother/sister to a kid or two. And one of the cheekier previously untameable ones, Jon, is maturing in his outlook and is making an effort to be more like an adult every day. The changes, the improvements, the things that are happening are PHENOMENAL!!

So why do I feel scared? It’s like Adrian Monk lives in me or something, being scared of the trivialities like: “What if I fail and screw things up? What if I hurt someone real bad and stunt their growth? What if I can’t handle this sort of thing? What if I get all puffed up with pride and create problems? What if? What if?” It’s unreasonable yet it’s real all at the same time.  I can’t give up now though. I just have to trust that God knows what He’s doing in my life and my ministry and believe that His hand is far bigger than anything I could ever hope to do or be.

So once again, sounding like an emo from high school, I face the blowing wind and walk forth. If I ever retreat into my shell, start wearing a suit and tie while keeping my socks in a plastic bag while cringing when I shake people’s hands, do me a small favour, Felicity. SHOOT ME!

It is Monday and I still live (Thank God). Had to say farewell to a few people this time:

1. Raqib - Left on Sunday. No wisecracks for a long while
2. Silas - My bro and best bud. Left on Friday morning.
3. Papa - Left for Johor for three days on Sunday evening.
4. KK & Grace - Leaving tomorrow for Down Under. Possibly never to return.

Juggling KK & Grace’s farewell dinners with suppers with Kib has been pretty taxing on the stamina and the wallet, but it was worth it.

Sunday was the crowning event in the Marathon of Entertaining Exhaustion. I promised one of my boys, Amos, a treat at Crepe Cottage to crepes, fruit and ice-cream for this Sunday. He brought his best buddy Jon Yeoh, and a young hyperactive fellow, Nick, who decided to just follow along (You would too if you had to choose between following big bro vs. following ma shopping for heels and designer wear). UNFORTUNATELY, Nick didn’t BOTHER to ask his mother for food money. Yours truly had to lend him RM10 and told him that this would be the last time we help him out. And so, dealing with the wrestling/pranking duo (Nick vs. Amos) while dealing with the best buddy, Jon, who was going through an emotional experience while waiting for our dessert at Crepe Cottage was quite a trying experience. (We got there at 7.45. We left at 9.30).

Thank God Ma has declared tonight Pizza night!

Dear Felicity,

Had a few things to learn this past two days and I do hope to be able to implement them.

a) I learned that many people forsake the Great Commandment for the Great Commission. They get so caught up in their work, their purpose in their life, their ministry that it’s no wonder so many burn out halfway. I’m learning that if God is Father, then my job is just to be His son, to walk with Him, to talk with Him, to dwell with Him. Like every son, I’ll get my inheritance (i.e. my success/fortune/ministry etc.) in due time when He knows I’m ready. For now, grow and learn and mature under His wise guidance and stay in His love. That way, I’ll get tasks that God knows I’m ready for and won’t overdo things like so many times before.

b) My emo-ness still sometimes screams that I shouldn’t have to be in the frontline so often. All my life, I’ve been in groups/companies (except MPH) that needed growing, that face tough times, that are in need of pioneers. I’ve never had the chance to just merely do my job, go home and relax. I am given leadership responsibilities, am asked, nay, demanded to raise young ones and stay strong in the midst of adversity. Rather than being shielded, I am in front trying to stand with my armour. And whilst  I feel alone and face trouble, danger, depression, numbing disappointment and cries that rip my optimism and self-worth away, the Voice speaks to me yet again that trouble is always opportunity, that challenges are chances to grow and shine above the rest, that being in the frontline as a pillar of strength is what will inspire many others as long as I remain weak and open to Him to let His strength shine through. Let a thousand fall on my left and ten thousand fall on my right as the Psalms say, by His strength, I pray I will not be moved and I will speak life not death, hope and not fear and gloom to the world of darkness and let light shine forth!! As I gulp down my own fears and insecurities and give them to the arms of the Strong One, I shout: “BRING IT ON!!!!!!!”