Journey Of A Dreamer

Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the My Emo Self category.

How to find my joie d’vivre?

Dear Felicity,

I’ve been thinking… I love church, I love serving there but I can’t go there right now because it’s not time yet. The Almighty has not issued His decree so I obey. On the other hand, while I’m okay with work, I don’t see much purpose in it beyond the usual grind.

So why am I frustrated? Why can’t I serve the Lord with all the joy in my heart? And more importantly, where is my team? Everyone I rely upon seems to get too busy and dump stuff back on me at some stage and I don’t feel like a servant of God. I feel like a patch. Wherever there’s a gap, good ol’ Sam who is so multi-talented will fill it up…. and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because I wonder where everyone else is? Where are the future leaders, the future drivers, the future inspirers of the next generation?….

How can I get my passion, my First Love back?

Lord, help me find it.


A review…and I’m only 29!

Dear Felicity,

God knows how long it’s been. I’ve been looking back at a few posts in the past and I see a pattern. I’m still rather down and drawn out, corporate deadlines have got me running in circles because I’m still incompetent and Youth is still transient.
It’s like I’m stuck in a rut at work with the same old projects. Even new projects that excited me at first seem to bore me after a while (except for the video project but that’s because I like video). I’m starting to wonder if I’m on the right track career-wise! I’m not much of a corporate animal so this is becoming a bit silly for me.

I’m finding out as well that I’m still unorganized and I seem to still prefer lazing around with computer games rather than doing something… other than helping people. The only thing that gives me joy is helping others and seeing fruits in their lives.  Unfortunately, there has been no full-time call and frankly, I can’t afford to live off fresh air and sunshine.

Youth is amazing in the sense that we can all get together to do projects and bless the church and community. Otherwise…. not much spiritual input. I guess I need to grow even more to be able to do that. Youth service seems routine and I have people popping in and out every week with some faithfuls but I wonder… is there more to this? Is there a way I can make the Youth programme so inspiring and so amazing that people keep coming to get their lives changed?…. I don’t know the answer right now but God, I’m getting tired.
I think the reason why almost every other post is so emo is because this is one of the few places I can be emo. I need to seem like I have it altogether everywhere else when I’m still immature, lazy and a master procrastinator. I don’t KNOW what to do. I can’t keep disappointing everyone else. I can’t keep alterring programmes at the last minute. I’m going nuts. All I’m saying is… God, help!!!!!

Dark Shadows

Dear Felicity,

How do I even begin? I had a heart to heart talk with God many times on this and because of where I came from, it’s been hard to grasp even now. I have attempted to understand why I didn’t get it ’til now. Now I realize.

As fun as it was supposed to be, I have learned that the tomfoolery I have done has caused some problems to me and to others. For years, I have wondered what it means to truly be a man (Not a man the way people see it but the way a man is supposed to be, whatever he is) and one things men do not do innocently or otherwise is cross-dress. Even in my previous sareed state, I start to realize how intoxicating it was at the time. A friend commented about how much fun it looked and I said I was possessed. In a way I was. I was possessed by a desire to be feminine.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t care about masculinity and femininity per se  as I believe God made everyone unique with their own quirks and eccentricities and personalities. I’ve met people who have elements of both genders in their personalities and doing very well, thank you. But my destiny is to serve people and I can’t let a dark shadow from my past have a hold on me anymore. (Trust me, guys, for those of you who know me and are reading this, this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to my childhood) I have to rise above this and be what I am supposed to be. I understand that this could open up a whole can of worms among many people who know me who will then start to either wonder where I stand or worry that I’ll get homophobic and be insensitive like some people have been. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will continue to grow in my desire to love people and help them be the best that they can be.

So here’s to the next battle. *sips a glass of soda pop* (anti-climatic but since I’m a tee-totaler* NOW CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to those I have upset over this or the previous “stunt” from India, I apologize. May we continue to mature.

Problems That He Will Tackle

Dear Felicity,

Learning communication in the corporate environment is a fundamental, it seems. But blast it all if I didn’t figure that out. Now because I failed to update one of my colleagues, we have a transportation problem on our hands. *sigh* All part of the process.

Thank God for Friday cell group. Learning John Bevere’s Under Cover (which btw, is EXCELLENT) and he explained that God has plans for humanity’s welfare but His first priority is our spiritual condition NOT so much our physical condition. So like He planned the Hebrew people to be slaves in Egypt under Pharoah so that the whole world could see who God really was when Egypt went under, sometimes dark circumstances are used for an ultimate purpose… to show people just who He is. I’m learning to appreciate that He really does know better than us.

Add that to the aggravation of unruly boys on Saturday Youth time that broke the canasta eggs combined with funny messages on the LCD screen from Mamma Mia and one kid wanting to run for home in tears because he got smacked on the head, I really need to find some loving way to instill discipline without being unduly harsh. Oy!

Dear God, teach me!!! Amen!!!

Edit: Oh, wait. You are!

Workin’ On A Holiday

Dear Felicity,

I’m working today, even though it’s supposed to be a public holiday. Was more annoyed than I let on last night about the whole thing and was rather grumpy the whole evening. There was an all-night vigil at church for the by-elections today and I didn’t go.

Shouldn’t that be “couldn’t go because of work tomorrow”? No, it’s “didn’t go” because I wasn’t in the right spirit. It was a shame too because two of my kids went and I’m afraid I may have disappointed them slightly. (Will SMS them later to encourage them).

Anyway, just to make the most of it then, I’m praying today during lunch break for the thing even though people may be voting, simply because I really feel that God wants me to do it, not to make up for anything but to stand in the gap as is my duty.

So, if life hands you lemons, make Teh O Limau, I guess. 😛 Now where did I put that brewing pot?

Creeping Negativity

Dear Felicity,

It’s getting weird for me here. I’m supposed to honor my superiors however they may be, but during email marketing meetings with my new manager, Mr. Poh, I sometimes say negative things about Ms. Usha’s approval system. What’s wrong with me? I admit I’m frustrated but I really shouldn’t be that negative. Lord, help me to honor, honor, honor whoever.

On that note, I also pissed off one of my colleagues for messing up her budget planning for 09. I understand it’s a tantamount sin and I’m trying to make up for it and really show her love and try to make restitution but I’m being rebuffed. It makes working kinda uncomfortable for me as I’m used to a largely supportive environment. Well, that’s life. Back to the grind…

Teach me to love those who hate me, not so I can  be appreciated and supported but to show them God cares. Teach me to honor them in spite of everything. Help me be a blessing and an encouragement in this corporate environment. HELP ME, LORD!!!

Ah… Bureaucracy, Sweet Bureaucracy

Dear Felicity,

I am frustrated. I have two different forms to fill for overtime and meal claims, BOTH with OTHER forms to fill apparently BEFOREHAND to request for permission for such claims in the FIRST place.

I suppose being a non-profit organization, the head of departments are tightly managing a budget so it’s justifiable but even then the amount of trouble one has to go through simply because one has been asked to do overtime really makes it difficult to work such things out, ESPECIALLY if another head comes and pesters the marketing department for help at the LAST MINUTE!! There should be an easier way to deal with this. If not, for every overtime locally, it’s two forms. For every overtime out of this island, it’s four. What about training? What about all the other stuff? INSANITY~~~~~~~~~~

As comes with time…

…things get left behind. The previous two posts show my current growing up. But deep down inside, I feel a bit like Wayne Kirkpatrick when he wrote this song for Susan Ashton:

Innocence Lost

Gone away, the days of wish and wondering
Far away, like a vision in my mind
The child has grown and left me here alone
Looking back to what was left behind.

Lullabyes and pennies in a wishing well
Sad goodbyes to friends of make believe
A love so pure, a treasure
Now buried in the sea of me.

Milton lost his paradise, Dorothy lost her way
Vincent lost his sanity, Thomas lost his faith
Hoover lost the second time, Sigmund lost his friend
Me, I lost my innocence and I want it back again.

A tug-of-war is going on inside of me
A calloused heart that wants to make a change
While time prevails fighting tooth and nail
Keeping me set in my ways

Marco found the orient, Gepetto found his boy
Lincoln found a unity that Lee could not destroy
Lindy found the other side, Gershwin found the stage
Me, I found a stubborness that seems to grow with age

As I dream of where I’ll go, may I learn from where I’ve gone
And take the memories that I hold into tomorrow

Milton lost his paradise, Dorothy lost her way
Vincent lost his sanity, Thomas lost his faith
Hoover lost the second time, Sigmund lost his friend
Me, I lost my innocence and I want it back again.
I had it once before and I want it back again…

Corporate Friendships Are Hard

Dear Felicity,

This is gonna be a vent fest so be prepared. I’m learning that getting along with colleagues sometimes take a bit of work. I’ve trod on people’s toes unintentionally over the past few weeks, primarily to lack of knowledge or tact or even an understanding of corporate culture but I just can’t seem to get along well with a few.

I got on very well with one until I, apparently, commented on her work without her knowledge under directions from the boss, leading to some serious shouting at. This escalated when there was an error in the our shared database and the computer showed her ID. I pointed out a bug in the system in her defense. However, when I tried to privately apologize for perhaps indirectly causing the problem due to that boo-boo, I got a lecture for implying her incompetence. *sigh*

Another person maintains her distance as ice queen, only reaching me when I make a mistake or when something needs to be done. I don’t mind helping her but I do wish she’d be nicer about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m the only guy and a junior officer. Maybe it’s because I’m still understanding corporate culture. Maybe it’s because this culture is built on fear of people getting their asses in trouble and because of that, everyone’s afraid to really mix around and are afraid of backstabbing. Maybe it’s because I constantly update my boss about what’s going on on my end and it gets misinterpreted as me trying to get cozy with the boss.  Maybe it’s just because I need to learn to defend myself, albeit in a tactful and pleasant way so I’m still not antagonistic. I DON’T KNOW!!! But it would be nice to know just how to treat my colleagues so I can really be of help to them rather than have to trod on eggshells on the time.


Oh well, back to work.

Expo, Days Off and Dieting

Dear Felicity,

Just got off from two days of relaxation after about a month of weekend overtime. SO thankful that’s over. The peak was at the Kulim Career/Postgraduate Expo last Sunday.

The work entailed going with a superior on Friday to get things set up. That was pleasant.

Sunday however wasn’t really. Due to tardiness and a bad attitude, superior and underling couldn’t get along and weren’t very conversational that day. It’s an excursion for Pete’s sake. On a largely voluntary basis. Can’t we make it enjoyable rather than let one mistake lead to tension and resentment and ruin any future chances for co-operation for future roadshows? Still, that’s the way things went. Tried to get the conversation ball rolling but no one was really interested. I hate stifling atmospheres.

Anyway, after that, I was really happy to be able to relax the next few days. Spent some time hanging out with Dad and Mom and got to actually talk with Dad on a lot of things. That was cool.

Tuesday’s gym session wasn’t, though. I found out after a fat analysis at Fitness First (free thanks to a lawyer friend Raymond) that I need to lose 25kg and I’m 14.3% overweight in fat content. When asked which part of the body, without a blink of an eye, the consultant replied: “Every part.” I’m OBESE!! I CAN OFFICIALLY ADD THE HUTT TO MY FAMILY NAME AND RUB SHOULDERS WITH JABBA!!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!! (Quit laughing, readers. I know you’re laughing! Quit laughing!!!)

Oh well, time to get some exercise then….