Journey Of A Dreamer

Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the Private Stuff category.

A review…and I’m only 29!

Dear Felicity,

God knows how long it’s been. I’ve been looking back at a few posts in the past and I see a pattern. I’m still rather down and drawn out, corporate deadlines have got me running in circles because I’m still incompetent and Youth is still transient.
It’s like I’m stuck in a rut at work with the same old projects. Even new projects that excited me at first seem to bore me after a while (except for the video project but that’s because I like video). I’m starting to wonder if I’m on the right track career-wise! I’m not much of a corporate animal so this is becoming a bit silly for me.

I’m finding out as well that I’m still unorganized and I seem to still prefer lazing around with computer games rather than doing something… other than helping people. The only thing that gives me joy is helping others and seeing fruits in their lives.  Unfortunately, there has been no full-time call and frankly, I can’t afford to live off fresh air and sunshine.

Youth is amazing in the sense that we can all get together to do projects and bless the church and community. Otherwise…. not much spiritual input. I guess I need to grow even more to be able to do that. Youth service seems routine and I have people popping in and out every week with some faithfuls but I wonder… is there more to this? Is there a way I can make the Youth programme so inspiring and so amazing that people keep coming to get their lives changed?…. I don’t know the answer right now but God, I’m getting tired.
I think the reason why almost every other post is so emo is because this is one of the few places I can be emo. I need to seem like I have it altogether everywhere else when I’m still immature, lazy and a master procrastinator. I don’t KNOW what to do. I can’t keep disappointing everyone else. I can’t keep alterring programmes at the last minute. I’m going nuts. All I’m saying is… God, help!!!!!


Dark Shadows

Dear Felicity,

How do I even begin? I had a heart to heart talk with God many times on this and because of where I came from, it’s been hard to grasp even now. I have attempted to understand why I didn’t get it ’til now. Now I realize.

As fun as it was supposed to be, I have learned that the tomfoolery I have done has caused some problems to me and to others. For years, I have wondered what it means to truly be a man (Not a man the way people see it but the way a man is supposed to be, whatever he is) and one things men do not do innocently or otherwise is cross-dress. Even in my previous sareed state, I start to realize how intoxicating it was at the time. A friend commented about how much fun it looked and I said I was possessed. In a way I was. I was possessed by a desire to be feminine.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t care about masculinity and femininity per se  as I believe God made everyone unique with their own quirks and eccentricities and personalities. I’ve met people who have elements of both genders in their personalities and doing very well, thank you. But my destiny is to serve people and I can’t let a dark shadow from my past have a hold on me anymore. (Trust me, guys, for those of you who know me and are reading this, this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to my childhood) I have to rise above this and be what I am supposed to be. I understand that this could open up a whole can of worms among many people who know me who will then start to either wonder where I stand or worry that I’ll get homophobic and be insensitive like some people have been. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will continue to grow in my desire to love people and help them be the best that they can be.

So here’s to the next battle. *sips a glass of soda pop* (anti-climatic but since I’m a tee-totaler* NOW CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to those I have upset over this or the previous “stunt” from India, I apologize. May we continue to mature.

The Poison Spreads

Things might be coming to a head. The split that has been ongoing underneath the surface for this past year has seen ruptures on the skin like pus oozing out of broken pimples.

I was struck by an SMS from one of the nicest guys who I never thought would say what he said. It’s like Santa Claus giving the US President an scathing letter saying that the Easter Bunny is a bad mascot for Easter because of his promiscuity. Whether he has a point or not is not so much the point, the point is:

  1. I have no jurisdiction regarding who plays and who doesn’t
  2. What the guy said does not build anyone up, just wants to get the fella out of there

I passed it on to the relevant people and just last night, one of our leaders had a long talk with Pastor Joshua about who should be in and out.

Whether there be turbulence around the corner or not, we’re headed for interesting times. Abba Father, stay on top of things and make sure the right actions are taken for the good of the people!!!

Wandering Through The Forest Of Futility

Well, folks, haven’t updated in a while so I thought why not? What’s been happening in my life?

1)  Youth – I’ve had the chance to take a weekend off to take my head out of the game and refocus. The solution is easy, really. First, let everyone resolve their differences at their own pace. Talk to them, manage them but it’s their heart so let them and God work it out. Meanwhile, make Youth “safe” again. I’ve decided to rope in some adults to help out as co-leaders to keep an eye on things, mentor the young and help them out. No core team. Nothing the young ones have to do right now but grow in the programs we will plan and mature.

Work – I am frustrated beyond reason with myself. I have been here for over 6 months and still I don’t know entirely what the heck I’m doing. I’ve been asked to supply content for the company website (still not good enough), the media CD project is put on hold because it’s just not going anywhere right now. And I have to admit I am a bit of a slacker with my deadlines so that doesn’t help. My employer is bitterly disillusioned with me, my job is in jeapordy, I’m in a pinch. But here’s the REAL problem. I have been put in a position of possible tremendous growth but I have been placed there alone. I went in hoping and believing that my boss could mentor me but those hopes are now realistically dashed. I mean, he’s nice and helpful but he’s just caught up in his work. I have learned that I can’t expect him to guide and mentor me and that’s what made me slack: FEAR because I have pushed into a forest with merely a compass and I have to learn to forage, explore and chart my course all by myself with just a scouts manual (his collection of books) to help me. I shouldn’t be complaining, I’m being emo, I know I have it within me so why does this eagle still stay in its shell?!!! AAARGGH!!!

Maybe it’s because the little not-so-wondrous times when I try, it’s not good enough so I run and hide again. Maybe it’s because I don’t like taking journeys alone. I’m such a kid! I’m such an idealistic, sheltered kid! That’s why I’m frustrated because this boy has to GROW UP!!!

*sigh* Anyway, enough emo ranting. Perhaps my next entry will be far more fruitful.

Fuddled Mess. But, heck, everyone has some!!

Well, still praying for the storm to settle before I fight the darkness. I know D-Day will come in a while and by golly, I hope I’m ready for it.

I’m particularly grateful for Dad’s constant prayer and support. I really cherish our mornings together.

On another note, I’m working on my company’s website and despite the fact that the designer tried to make it a user-friendly interface, I’m going nuts trying to figure how to put all my content in place. It’s a @_@ and we REALLY need to get it out soon.

Also, the interactive CD project I’ve been assigned to, partly due to my procrastination and also because the animators have other stuff in tow in the first place, the demo looks…. boring and dull. I can’t even begin to figure out how to make it better.

So what do I feel like? A little kitten with his claws tangled in live electrical wires that are all tangled up. I have got to get these messes sorted out before I get myself a new fur-style.

Go, go, go, Sam! You can do it! Gambatte ne!!! Boy, will I have stories to tell when this whole thing is over and done with!

((On the bright side, some people prayed for me before and one guy said that I will be a man of joy with reason to laugh all the time. Another lady said I shall be able to stand and testify. Stories of goodness and victory will be natural. An African chap added that out of me will flow rivers of encouragement and living waters. So, yes, Sam, with Him, all things are possible! UUU-RYAAAAA!!!!!!!))

The Aftermath…

Greetings, people. I guess the fact that the update came a week or so after tells ya how it went.

Suffice it to say that it’s bad, really bad. I won’t bore you all with too many details but let’s put it this way. Mr. A got into a relationship with B’s sister. Mr. A also used to frequent B’s house and treat it as his own, much to the chagrin of B because he’d take B’s guitar etc. without permission. Mr. A basically handled everything as best he thought but without the best maturity. (Embracing your 14 year old girlfriend in front of her relatives during her grandma’s funeral is NOT smart. And to top it all off, what really amused me is that he came to talk to me about the way his friend was spending time with another girl, calling it indecent). Two break-ups happened, hurt was caused and now B is VERY pissed at A for making his sister suffer even though the poor girl is okay with it all and has gotten over it.

So, now what happens? A has his clique. B has his clique. A and B’s friends didn’t mix. They probably tried as much as civilly possible but as much as B and co insist they tried, I didn’t really see any heartfelt attempts being made to extend friendship beyond the “I-should-make-friends-with-them-because-it’s-the-right-thing-to-do” after this BGR went bad. Can I blame them? Guess not.

Anyway, I was working through becoming a leader so I let this slide hoping they would work things out. My first mistake. I let everyone climb all over me and now this cancerous disease known as strife has grown to become a big ugly monster.

Last week’s meeting led to both sides feeling hurt because of comments and what not beikng said though mom, dad and I tried our best to keep it to a minimum and I made a vow that I would not tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

Now, because I’m stricter (i.e. halting prolonged conversations DURING sermons, dealing with note passing and distractions, you know, small stuff that SHOULD be common sense), one of my own accused me (Mr. A) of having “fear of man” and being biased towards side B. He felt I was playing favorites and I shouldn’t get on his friends cases.

I don’t know what to do now. What started as a purely PERSONAL matter has become a world war of sorts. I can’t allow Mr. A’s attitude to continue and I have to find a way to help him understand the damage he’s causing yet it’s like I’m stepping on eggshells because he’s got his friends riled up about me, acting like he’s the saint and I’m the poor misguided leader. Mr. B’s friends has requested a sabbathical (I agree that separation for now is wise) but Mr. B hasn’t mentioned whether he wants that as well and telling him to back off might be seen as rejection.

*sigh* God, grant me the love and patience I need to see the truth and give me the wisdom to know what to do. I can’t do anything right now. It’s all up to You. I’m really tired. ZZZ…..

The date draws closer…

Well, the brainstorming session is tomorrow. I am up currently praying that it will NOT be what a few fear it will be: a showdown.

I have heard more from either side and I am now praying desperately to bring about a solution. What I fear most is not for those who have the right attitude, it’s for those who don’t. The ambition combined with ego factor in one or two will be dealt with! I have been patient and, in fact, overly so and that’s why this has been allowed to spread, and my fear is NOT that they will ‘overthrow’ me (As if they can. Please, with the maturity of a pre-teen? Ain’t gonna happen) but that it would seem that the more reasonable among us are all ganging up against them. I love them… wait, WE love them and the last thing I want to see is them getting all bitter and angry just because they don’t see what’s in front of their face.

When I was chosen as Youth Leader, this was NOT what I had in mind but now I guess I should be thankful. I’m learning to understand the importance of firmness and boundaries, of instilling mutual respect rather than just mere soft love, etc. Phil was right. “You signed up for this. Live with it. Quit running away thinking that everything will work itself out.” Heh!

Dad has also mentioned that he’s not sure if he can make it. God, I hope he can. If not, things can sure get out of hand. But he’s right too. “If you can’t deal with it amongst yourselves, what’s gonna happen later on?”

All this and more have made me realize more than ever the need for me to check with the Big Kahuna more and understand just what He’s trying to say rather than run off half-cocked, guns blazing, and also, the need for more wisdom and tact.

OY, and people wonder WHY I hate politics.

Reunion With An Old Friend

On another note in my memoirs, I thought I’d put this up. You decide if I’m being paranoid/deluded/infatuated/whatever…

These past few months have also been an interesting chapter because I met up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in years.. Melissa Galistan. A spunky Eurasian girl with a quick wit and a love for books and good conversation, she and I were friends when we met at church when I was 12 and she was 13. Sure, she’s rather on the round side and seems shy but once you get to know her, she’s the warmest person you could know. And she has the cutest laugh. What I really admire about her is the fact that she has done her best to support her family even at that young age since her dad died. Unfortunately, her mom and sis are not the most responsible people in the world and she had more or less, been carrying the burden of helping to support her family since she left school at 18.

We parted ways when I finished high school and I only ran into her last year. We spend some considerable time together, platonically, of course, but we’ve grown even closer. It was almost as if nothing changed. Recently, though, I’ve started to wonder…

See, we went for dinner and a movie once (Charlotte’s Web, another fave of mine) and throughout that time, she ordered the exact same things I did. Not only that, she dropped hints here and there and asked if I’ve ever considered a relationship with her. We left as friends. I once thought I might have something for her but a good buddy of mine, Raqib, pointed out my feelings with one word: “Pity!” I asked him what he meant and he replied: “Sam, she’s a single tough lady with a stepbrother she put in a boy’s home. You don’t love her, you pity her. You’d fall for the next single mother that came along with a sob story if she was in your age group, convinced you love her… But you don’t. That’s pity and compassion talking.” Ouch! Talk about cold.

Anyway, now I wonder. I know what to do. Stay platonic but I really hope I didn’t lead her on just because we spent a few nights with dinner and long chats together. (No, Phil, I swear it didn’t go beyond that. Quit giggling!) I guess I really should be more careful how I spend my time. I do hope she’ll find the one for her soon though.

Sunrise… Sunset… The months fly swiftly by…

Boy, my last update was after CNY. I AM behind. I’m sorry, my dear faithful readers (so far just two :P).

I’ve been busy with Easter, trying to get the Youth together and sorting out my life in general. It’s been a crazy ordeal but it’s been mind-blowing and educational to say the least. What’s been happening?

Well, first of all, I’ve been battling depression for the past two months on and off. See, despite my dreams of being a big-time animation mogul creating worlds at whim, I’m still an admin/copywriter clerk in a fledging firm in Penang, earning RM1100, and taking care of teenagers in my small church. I’m, what, only 24 and I was facing a bizarre mid-life crisis! And people wonder why I look like a middle-aged father of 4 children. Add that to the fact that I decided to work on my sexuality because I decided I wasn’t gay but had to deal with gay tendencies brought upon me by a really screwed up childhood in America (Suffice it to say that when you’re six and you get practical education on sex from the next door girl and an older guy cousin, it’s bound to mess things up for you) and not doing too well and anybody would feel beaten down. Oh, and while I’m there, add a white elephant in my Youth group as the final touch. My youth is divided in two because of a bad relationship that went sour between two people and also because both feel the other side are cold or immature. It’s a classic case I should expect but not one I like handling. One of the wiser people in my group recommended a time where we talk about this cancer and deal with it, but like with all operations, it could turn out painful.

In short, I have been battling fear, an old enemy that always tries to get at me. Fear of being tied down by responsibility, fear of confrontation, fear that I’m not good enough to solve the issues in my life, fear that I will hurt more people than help, fear that I won’t measure up to the standard of Youth leader. Every hour plagued by little voices that scream at me to run and hide in my shell, my little idealistic world where video games just need a walkthrough for me to succeed, where anime stories are resolved if all I do is stick to watch the ending, where I don’t have to do anything and yet revel in success and love and drama.

But that isn’t life. That’s fantasy. The dormant courage I inherited from my parents (My dad being pastor and battling criticism, public opinion and gossip, my mom battling her condition) still tries to rally my brow-beaten soul to take another step, to press on, to “Keep Moving Forward”!! (From Meet The Robinsons, great movie!) And while I trudge, my back heavy with the emotions that try to pull me, a sole cheerleader edging me on….He appears.

The One whom was beside me all along, the One who has carried me throughout this time and the One I neglected, Big Daddy. What can I say? It’s stupid, really. I’m a Pastor’s kid. I should know better but what do I do? That’s right, I run into the battle, guns blazing on my own, believing that I could make it just fine on my own. I mean, sure, spending time with Him SHOULD be important but I’ve got too much to do. I’ve got programs to run, people to help, work to do, demons to battle, heck, thank you, Lord, but let me check my appointment book and see if I can schedule You in at 8am if I can wake up after battling dragons on King’s Quest at 2am in the morning.

And you know what the greatest part of all this is? He was right there all along!!! I neglected the best of friends because He was such a gentlemen but He never neglected me. Through it all, He walked with me, listening to my cries in the night, watching sadly as I complained to myself about my life. He spoke through various people who prayed for me, saying, in summary: “You’ve got stuff you’ve held on to for too long but I’m gonna help you break free. You’re going to be famous, son, because I’m gonna make ya. Just trust in me. I’ll help you with this trial if you’ll just stick close to Me.” How about that? Ain’t it funny that one day when you decide you’ve had enough and you decide to wake up early in the morning and just pray (with my Dad there, of course), your view miraculously changes? Guess this is why the spiritual greats all chant the same mantra: “Read your bible, pray every day, if you want to grow~”

So, what’s happening now? I don’t know yet. I do know it’s going to be great. I know that as Youth Leader, I’ll have to beat this cancer before it gets worse. I know that the one that God has destined to be my soulmate is close at hand (in fact, closer than I thought. Dad chuckled once, saying that he knew who it would be but he couldn’t tell me yet. He gave me the “you-work-it-out” wink). My work is finally starting to get interesting with this new multimedia project that I have in hand.

I’ll try to remember to keep you posted, dear blog and readers, about what’s going on. This chapter is going to be a easy one now because I’m ready to finally rely on the One who knew what to do all along…

Protected: What tangled webs we weave when romance starts so early…

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