Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the Thoughts & Ideals category.
Corporate Friendships Are Hard
Dear Felicity,
This is gonna be a vent fest so be prepared. I’m learning that getting along with colleagues sometimes take a bit of work. I’ve trod on people’s toes unintentionally over the past few weeks, primarily to lack of knowledge or tact or even an understanding of corporate culture but I just can’t seem to get along well with a few.
I got on very well with one until I, apparently, commented on her work without her knowledge under directions from the boss, leading to some serious shouting at. This escalated when there was an error in the our shared database and the computer showed her ID. I pointed out a bug in the system in her defense. However, when I tried to privately apologize for perhaps indirectly causing the problem due to that boo-boo, I got a lecture for implying her incompetence. *sigh*
Another person maintains her distance as ice queen, only reaching me when I make a mistake or when something needs to be done. I don’t mind helping her but I do wish she’d be nicer about it.
Maybe it’s because I’m the only guy and a junior officer. Maybe it’s because I’m still understanding corporate culture. Maybe it’s because this culture is built on fear of people getting their asses in trouble and because of that, everyone’s afraid to really mix around and are afraid of backstabbing. Maybe it’s because I constantly update my boss about what’s going on on my end and it gets misinterpreted as me trying to get cozy with the boss. Maybe it’s just because I need to learn to defend myself, albeit in a tactful and pleasant way so I’m still not antagonistic. I DON’T KNOW!!! But it would be nice to know just how to treat my colleagues so I can really be of help to them rather than have to trod on eggshells on the time.
*ssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
Oh well, back to work.
Expo, Days Off and Dieting
Dear Felicity,
Just got off from two days of relaxation after about a month of weekend overtime. SO thankful that’s over. The peak was at the Kulim Career/Postgraduate Expo last Sunday.
The work entailed going with a superior on Friday to get things set up. That was pleasant.
Sunday however wasn’t really. Due to tardiness and a bad attitude, superior and underling couldn’t get along and weren’t very conversational that day. It’s an excursion for Pete’s sake. On a largely voluntary basis. Can’t we make it enjoyable rather than let one mistake lead to tension and resentment and ruin any future chances for co-operation for future roadshows? Still, that’s the way things went. Tried to get the conversation ball rolling but no one was really interested. I hate stifling atmospheres.
Anyway, after that, I was really happy to be able to relax the next few days. Spent some time hanging out with Dad and Mom and got to actually talk with Dad on a lot of things. That was cool.
Tuesday’s gym session wasn’t, though. I found out after a fat analysis at Fitness First (free thanks to a lawyer friend Raymond) that I need to lose 25kg and I’m 14.3% overweight in fat content. When asked which part of the body, without a blink of an eye, the consultant replied: “Every part.” I’m OBESE!! I CAN OFFICIALLY ADD THE HUTT TO MY FAMILY NAME AND RUB SHOULDERS WITH JABBA!!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!! (Quit laughing, readers. I know you’re laughing! Quit laughing!!!)
Oh well, time to get some exercise then….
Tiredness, Success and The Fear Monk-Style
Dear Felicity,
It’s been a tiring week helping Wawasan’s Regional Office with registration on the weekends, especially since they usually come back-to-back. Yesterday, I registered 4 1/2 students (one of the students halfway had to be followed up by someone else) and the clincher will be this Sunday 10-6 in Kulim (roughly translated to 8 – probably 8). Thank GOD I’m taking the next Monday and Tuesday off.
Meanwhile, the Arrows are growing. For those of you who read the MUCH earlier posts, you would know that the Youth I mentor went through a severely rough patch. It’s kinda funny now ’cause the troublesome ones all left, with a few left behind who are changing. I wish I could do more for the others personally but the mentors I spoke to were right: let them go to grow.
So with that in mind, now I’ve got the five boys I actively mentor and now a few girls are joining in and one of them (Yee Vonne) is a real dynamo. She took 6 months off home-schooling to join Youth With A Mission and her experiences there have geared her up to be a real force to be reckoned with. She’s serious about God and she’s fun to be with at the same time so she pulls all the other girls (and maybe, in future, one or two guys) along with her back to Youth. Also, another young guy, Amos, is trying to grow so fast, it’s amazing. These two are even actively by themselves being a big brother/sister to a kid or two. And one of the cheekier previously untameable ones, Jon, is maturing in his outlook and is making an effort to be more like an adult every day. The changes, the improvements, the things that are happening are PHENOMENAL!!
So why do I feel scared? It’s like Adrian Monk lives in me or something, being scared of the trivialities like: “What if I fail and screw things up? What if I hurt someone real bad and stunt their growth? What if I can’t handle this sort of thing? What if I get all puffed up with pride and create problems? What if? What if?” It’s unreasonable yet it’s real all at the same time. I can’t give up now though. I just have to trust that God knows what He’s doing in my life and my ministry and believe that His hand is far bigger than anything I could ever hope to do or be.
So once again, sounding like an emo from high school, I face the blowing wind and walk forth. If I ever retreat into my shell, start wearing a suit and tie while keeping my socks in a plastic bag while cringing when I shake people’s hands, do me a small favour, Felicity. SHOOT ME!
Humbling Lessons
Dear Felicity,
Had a few things to learn this past two days and I do hope to be able to implement them.
a) I learned that many people forsake the Great Commandment for the Great Commission. They get so caught up in their work, their purpose in their life, their ministry that it’s no wonder so many burn out halfway. I’m learning that if God is Father, then my job is just to be His son, to walk with Him, to talk with Him, to dwell with Him. Like every son, I’ll get my inheritance (i.e. my success/fortune/ministry etc.) in due time when He knows I’m ready. For now, grow and learn and mature under His wise guidance and stay in His love. That way, I’ll get tasks that God knows I’m ready for and won’t overdo things like so many times before.
b) My emo-ness still sometimes screams that I shouldn’t have to be in the frontline so often. All my life, I’ve been in groups/companies (except MPH) that needed growing, that face tough times, that are in need of pioneers. I’ve never had the chance to just merely do my job, go home and relax. I am given leadership responsibilities, am asked, nay, demanded to raise young ones and stay strong in the midst of adversity. Rather than being shielded, I am in front trying to stand with my armour. And whilst I feel alone and face trouble, danger, depression, numbing disappointment and cries that rip my optimism and self-worth away, the Voice speaks to me yet again that trouble is always opportunity, that challenges are chances to grow and shine above the rest, that being in the frontline as a pillar of strength is what will inspire many others as long as I remain weak and open to Him to let His strength shine through. Let a thousand fall on my left and ten thousand fall on my right as the Psalms say, by His strength, I pray I will not be moved and I will speak life not death, hope and not fear and gloom to the world of darkness and let light shine forth!! As I gulp down my own fears and insecurities and give them to the arms of the Strong One, I shout: “BRING IT ON!!!!!!!”
Globalization And Being Malaysian
Had a walk-in enquiry on campus yesterday evening with Mr. Steve Koh, a manager with Dell, and he made an interesting comment about how everything in business management has to be seen from a global perspective as well as local perspective, about the importance of blending into another culture before you can manage the people of that culture. If more people knew about that, we’d be better off.
Also, he mentioned that the reason why Malaysians and Singaporeans do better than other Asian countries right now is partially due to our multiracial environment. Because we have a few dominant cultures in our country, we have learned to adapt very fast to different languages and ways of life to accommodate our neighbors and friends. Interesting thought…
The Little Things (It’s been a while, eh…?)
Hey, Felicity!
It’s been ages since my last post, eh? Anyway, quick update:
a) I’m working at Wawasan Open University as a customer service assistant. That means I deal with enquiries with the occasional writing job as that is my talent. I currently also manage the email marketing campaign and co-supervise some of the advertising.
b) I’m a single father. Can’t watch over her all the time because of work so I keep her in a cage outside meanwhile…
Take a deep breath people. She’s a kitten.
c) My real reason for writing this post. The inspiration came from just walking out this morning and meeting the cleaning lady. This cleaning lady is a mamak that looks like your typical aged witch with that hook nose, frazzled curly hair and pointed chin but she is a wonderful lady.
I met her today just outside the dustbins near my house and she was still dressed in a tudung, and baju kurung before work and when I asked her what she was doing there, she smiled and said (I’m translating here): “Spotcheck, what else? Gotta keep this place clean or people will slip or step in something they don’t want.” She started commenting on the bags left by the side that didn’t make it into the bin and how some people are insensitive.
I left for work today contemplative. It’s been 8 years since I’ve lived in Marina Bay and that lady, after so many years, still relishes her job even though it’s filled with little things and not challenging conquests like some careers we admire. May I be as faithful in my work, if it ever gets this menial to me…
The Brave One I & II
Brave One I
Things are picking up in my career. At least to me. I’m gaining confidence in approaching doctors and getting over the deep insecurities and fears that nag at my brain and hamper my progress. Little victories like being able to chat doctors up or locate their clinics in unfamiliar areas like BM has really helped me along. I processed an order personally on Friday too! Here’s hoping things continue to get better. Thanks, Pat-Chan, for your well wishes.
The Brave One II
This other entry is to talk about the latest movie starring Jodie Foster. Me and my movie buff of a friend Christopher went to watch it last night not knowing what it’s about or what to expect. All I knew was the rating (18PL) and the fact that it was number 1 on the box office this week.
The Brave One is a story about Erica Bains, a woman who is a victim of brutal assault by some thugs. She loses her fiance and almost everything else. Three weeks later, she recovers, a broken and scared woman. Buying a gun to protect herself, she finds herself using it more than she needs to.
Enter Inspector Mercer, a man who is put in charge of an investigation of serial murders supposedly done by a vigilante out for justice, who becomes close friends with Erica through an interview.
What happens next? I won’t spoil it for you.
As a movie, it was done very well. The acting, the music, the witty dramatic script (too many f-words, but hey, I’m conservative and this is staged in NYC), the angles, brilliantly executed. Love the drama and the juxtapositions.
What it did to my soul? That’s another story. Watching Erica’s journey and transformation just made me sad. Watching what the world and circumstances did to her and how she responded cut through me like a knife, particularly because I can think of one or two people who, in similar circumstances, might go that way.
That added to reading up on the murder of a little girl in KL gets me thinking. How did we deteriorate so bad? I mean, I know that humanity isn’t exactly wholesome but to think that there are people who could spiral down such a path, to have their footing rended from then in an instant, falling into an abyss that a stranger they now know as themselves is digging….
I wish there was some way for it all to end, for everyone see just what’s really happening to us, for God to actually be allowed to intervene and not let darkness pervade the doors of our hearts anymore. But that’s what happens when we have free will and decide that our view is what matters. I’m all for discovering things for ourselves but I wish more people would discover and seek rather than deny and lock themselves in. I’m ranting here.
I just pray that more people would care before Malaysia becomes like our “advanced” brethren, so postmodernistic that people can have the right to hurt themselves, so caught up with the petty arguments of rights and wrongs that we miss the real wrongs that exists in the streets, where the self will and mind reign so much that nothing else matters, and then wonder why we walk alone.
Wandering Through The Forest Of Futility
Well, folks, haven’t updated in a while so I thought why not? What’s been happening in my life?
1) Youth – I’ve had the chance to take a weekend off to take my head out of the game and refocus. The solution is easy, really. First, let everyone resolve their differences at their own pace. Talk to them, manage them but it’s their heart so let them and God work it out. Meanwhile, make Youth “safe” again. I’ve decided to rope in some adults to help out as co-leaders to keep an eye on things, mentor the young and help them out. No core team. Nothing the young ones have to do right now but grow in the programs we will plan and mature.
Work – I am frustrated beyond reason with myself. I have been here for over 6 months and still I don’t know entirely what the heck I’m doing. I’ve been asked to supply content for the company website (still not good enough), the media CD project is put on hold because it’s just not going anywhere right now. And I have to admit I am a bit of a slacker with my deadlines so that doesn’t help. My employer is bitterly disillusioned with me, my job is in jeapordy, I’m in a pinch. But here’s the REAL problem. I have been put in a position of possible tremendous growth but I have been placed there alone. I went in hoping and believing that my boss could mentor me but those hopes are now realistically dashed. I mean, he’s nice and helpful but he’s just caught up in his work. I have learned that I can’t expect him to guide and mentor me and that’s what made me slack: FEAR because I have pushed into a forest with merely a compass and I have to learn to forage, explore and chart my course all by myself with just a scouts manual (his collection of books) to help me. I shouldn’t be complaining, I’m being emo, I know I have it within me so why does this eagle still stay in its shell?!!! AAARGGH!!!
Maybe it’s because the little not-so-wondrous times when I try, it’s not good enough so I run and hide again. Maybe it’s because I don’t like taking journeys alone. I’m such a kid! I’m such an idealistic, sheltered kid! That’s why I’m frustrated because this boy has to GROW UP!!!
*sigh* Anyway, enough emo ranting. Perhaps my next entry will be far more fruitful.
My Nerd Type. Ta-da! (Cue fanfare and confetti)
table style=”width: 320px; border: 1px solid gray; font: normal 12px arial, verdana, sans-serif; background-color: white;”>
You sure do love the spotlight and probably have a very out-going and loud personality. Or not. That’s just a stereotype, of course. Participation in the theatre is something to be very proud of. Whether you have a great voice for musicals, or astounding skills for dramas/comedies; keep up the good work. We need more entertainment these days that isn’t television and video games (not that these things are bad, necessarily.)
Quizzes for MySpace
Sunrise… Sunset… The months fly swiftly by…
Boy, my last update was after CNY. I AM behind. I’m sorry, my dear faithful readers (so far just two :P).
I’ve been busy with Easter, trying to get the Youth together and sorting out my life in general. It’s been a crazy ordeal but it’s been mind-blowing and educational to say the least. What’s been happening?
Well, first of all, I’ve been battling depression for the past two months on and off. See, despite my dreams of being a big-time animation mogul creating worlds at whim, I’m still an admin/copywriter clerk in a fledging firm in Penang, earning RM1100, and taking care of teenagers in my small church. I’m, what, only 24 and I was facing a bizarre mid-life crisis! And people wonder why I look like a middle-aged father of 4 children. Add that to the fact that I decided to work on my sexuality because I decided I wasn’t gay but had to deal with gay tendencies brought upon me by a really screwed up childhood in America (Suffice it to say that when you’re six and you get practical education on sex from the next door girl and an older guy cousin, it’s bound to mess things up for you) and not doing too well and anybody would feel beaten down. Oh, and while I’m there, add a white elephant in my Youth group as the final touch. My youth is divided in two because of a bad relationship that went sour between two people and also because both feel the other side are cold or immature. It’s a classic case I should expect but not one I like handling. One of the wiser people in my group recommended a time where we talk about this cancer and deal with it, but like with all operations, it could turn out painful.
In short, I have been battling fear, an old enemy that always tries to get at me. Fear of being tied down by responsibility, fear of confrontation, fear that I’m not good enough to solve the issues in my life, fear that I will hurt more people than help, fear that I won’t measure up to the standard of Youth leader. Every hour plagued by little voices that scream at me to run and hide in my shell, my little idealistic world where video games just need a walkthrough for me to succeed, where anime stories are resolved if all I do is stick to watch the ending, where I don’t have to do anything and yet revel in success and love and drama.
But that isn’t life. That’s fantasy. The dormant courage I inherited from my parents (My dad being pastor and battling criticism, public opinion and gossip, my mom battling her condition) still tries to rally my brow-beaten soul to take another step, to press on, to “Keep Moving Forward”!! (From Meet The Robinsons, great movie!) And while I trudge, my back heavy with the emotions that try to pull me, a sole cheerleader edging me on….He appears.
The One whom was beside me all along, the One who has carried me throughout this time and the One I neglected, Big Daddy. What can I say? It’s stupid, really. I’m a Pastor’s kid. I should know better but what do I do? That’s right, I run into the battle, guns blazing on my own, believing that I could make it just fine on my own. I mean, sure, spending time with Him SHOULD be important but I’ve got too much to do. I’ve got programs to run, people to help, work to do, demons to battle, heck, thank you, Lord, but let me check my appointment book and see if I can schedule You in at 8am if I can wake up after battling dragons on King’s Quest at 2am in the morning.
And you know what the greatest part of all this is? He was right there all along!!! I neglected the best of friends because He was such a gentlemen but He never neglected me. Through it all, He walked with me, listening to my cries in the night, watching sadly as I complained to myself about my life. He spoke through various people who prayed for me, saying, in summary: “You’ve got stuff you’ve held on to for too long but I’m gonna help you break free. You’re going to be famous, son, because I’m gonna make ya. Just trust in me. I’ll help you with this trial if you’ll just stick close to Me.” How about that? Ain’t it funny that one day when you decide you’ve had enough and you decide to wake up early in the morning and just pray (with my Dad there, of course), your view miraculously changes? Guess this is why the spiritual greats all chant the same mantra: “Read your bible, pray every day, if you want to grow~”
So, what’s happening now? I don’t know yet. I do know it’s going to be great. I know that as Youth Leader, I’ll have to beat this cancer before it gets worse. I know that the one that God has destined to be my soulmate is close at hand (in fact, closer than I thought. Dad chuckled once, saying that he knew who it would be but he couldn’t tell me yet. He gave me the “you-work-it-out” wink). My work is finally starting to get interesting with this new multimedia project that I have in hand.
I’ll try to remember to keep you posted, dear blog and readers, about what’s going on. This chapter is going to be a easy one now because I’m ready to finally rely on the One who knew what to do all along…
Journey Of A Dreamer 